The Chaos of Healing

As I am dealing with a mountain of laundry, a stack of mail and phone calls that need to be made after returning from our trip. My body aches but my heart is full. I can’t help but get emotional after last week.

I thought this trip was about proving I could do it on my own, like so many other things. Taking three girls camping. Hiking miles. Paddling lakes. Working a three-day market. Making it all happen.

But that’s not what I’ll remember.

I’ll remember standing on the most crowded beach I’ve ever seen on the 4th of July while the sky exploded above us. My girls leaned back against me as the fireworks lit the sky on fire and the smoke burned our eyes. 

Every time one startled them, I’d squeeze them a little tighter and remind them,”I’ve got you.”

And somewhere between the smoke and the debris pebbling my face, I realized…This is my why. Every hard decision. Every late night. Every risk. Every dream I’m chasing. Ripping up my old life and setting it on fire. Not really knowing what I’m doing but starting anyway.

It’s so these girls know what safety feels like. So they know what unconditional love feels like. So maybe they won’t have to spend years healing from the things I did.

I can’t promise them a perfect life. But I can build them a different one.

Tomorrow isn’t promised and hopefully this isn’t my last 4th with them. 

My oldest leaves for college next year.One day my youngest won’t want to be picked up anymore.

So I’m choosing to soak in these moments while I have them.

Because if this trip reminded me of anything, it’s that love and hope are still the most powerful things we have.