The Chaos of Healing

I’m entirely fed up with how our culture has been made love so taboo. How openness is perceived as weakness. Being nonchalant is deemed cool and staying “chill” is worn like a badge of honor.

I refuse. There is not a nonchalant bone in my body.

As I have navigated my grief, my healing of past abuse and traumas the constant theme that looped back was love. Not being loved in a way that supported me. Having my love and body taken advantage of. Manipulation and coercion through love. It was a constant theme in my younger years and ultimately led to me making poor choices in my relationships. It was a pain point where my shadow work led me back to many of a time. It was also where I learned to forgive myself. It’s how I began to love myself for the first time.

I learned to love my muchness.
I’m loud and animated. I laugh like a donkey most of the time. I smile with my big front teeth showing and I just don’t care how dorky I look anymore. I have eyes that too big for my face but they are the first thing anyone will remember about me. I wiggle and shimmy as I do most tasks. I sing off key and have zero musical talent but music saved my life. I get excited about the smallest things but in the same breath I’ll go to war for anyone I care about.

I also realized how I love others. I have always been endlessly curious. I love my people by learning them. What music speaks to them, what’s their comfort food, and how they take their coffee. I learn people and as I find out what makes them light up with joy and interests them – I research it as to know more about the subject but ultimately to know more about them. Whether that’s a band I’m not familiar with, Dungeons and Dragons, car models and engine types, book series or mythology.

I learn how you responded when hurt or frustrated. I watch for how you react when stressed or overwhelmed. I pay attention to whether you need space or someone to give you a hug and tell you it’s ok.

So when you had a bad day, I show up with your favorite treat, a new plushie or a book. I’ll sit and listen as you let it all out and I’ll be the keeper of your thoughts and feelings, like secrets tucked away, ever protected by my love for you. I’ll sprinkle some humor into our talk so you can have a good laugh and ease into your own story.

I naturally make people feel seen and heard. That’s my love language.

And I no longer will apologize or make that small. I will not down play it. I have had several people in my life over the last few months say “I’m not used to this”. That breaks my heart, not only because we all deserve to be treated with compassion but the grief that genuine attention has become so uncommon that people are surprised by it. That says something about the world we’ve built. Somewhere along the way, genuine attention became so uncommon that people mistake it for extraordinary. It shouldn’t be.

I’m also not used to this but said I was going to live with wholehearted abandon. Which means being open hearted in everything I do. I promised I was going to love without fear or conditions, never with an expectation of it in return. I’m extremely exhausted of trying to be anything but this deeply connected, highly intuitive, love filled being.

Loving this way doesn’t mean abandoning myself anymore.
I spent years believing love meant self-sacrifice. Now I know love and boundaries can exist in the same room. I can protect my peace while keeping my heart open.

And isn’t that how we change the world? We start showing up as what we see needs to be shifted. When we choose to live in openness and love, our reality starts to reflect it back to us.

“The world is changed by your example, not your opinion.” – Paublo Coelho

So I’m going to tell you I love you in all the ways I know how. I’m going to walk aside you when you need a friend, and I’m going to sit in the darkness with you until you are ready to look for the light. I’m going to slide a cup of tea across the table and tell you it’s going to be ok and then make a joke about trauma and somehow link it back to that band you like.