The Chaos of Healing

This season ended differently than I planned, but it did not end without growth.

I spent years believing I was falling behind, that I was failing. That if I just tried harder, worked more, pushed through the pain, I’d finally catch up to the life I thought I was supposed to be living.

My body screamed until I had no choice but to listen. It wasn’t just the diagnoses or the chronic pain. It was my nervous system saying to me “It’s time to lay the warrior down, you can’t continue to simplify survive. “

This season wasn’t about becoming more productive. It was about becoming more honest.

I disappeared in ways. I let relationships die quietly. I walked away from spaces I had outgrown. I grieved what was and how I thought my life was going to hold. 

And somewhere in that grief, I stopped asking how to get back to the woman I used to be. I started asking who I was becoming instead.

I removed expectations. I started choosing myself over obligations. I listened to my soul verse conditioning. I allowed myself to find joy and pleasure again. I learned to truly rest. I remembered how to play. 

I left my career of 5 years, a place that used to be my safe space- until it wasn’t. Now I’m returning to a company that feels familiar, but in an entirely different role. One that aligns with the life I’m trying to build instead of asking me to abandon it.

I’m not quitting the mission. I’m creating a foundation that supports the dream, brick by brick as I build my future. 

I’m not where I thought I would be at 38 but I’m deeply proud of how far I have come. 

As I enter this new era, it is not as the woman who has everything figured out; But as the woman who keeps rebuilding, over and over, every time life interrupted her plans.

Healing isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s finally giving yourself permission to become who you have been all along.