The Chaos of Healing

As I sit here reflecting on everything that’s changed, the most noticeable difference is me. I could list all the major events over the last 2 years that ultimately led to burning my entire life to the ground but none of that holds any weight here now.

To the woman that I was, I forgive you. I forgive you for staying much longer than you should have. I forgive you for seeing the signs and choosing to ignore them. I forgive you for allowing your worth and happiness to be tied to someone else. I forgive you for looking for love in the wrong places. I forgive you for the mistakes you made. I know you were just trying to do the best with what you had. I forgive you for not taking care of yourself all of those years. I forgive you for putting all our dreams on the back burner while you were just trying to survive. I forgive you.

To the woman that I was, thank you. Thank you for not giving up, even when you had every reason to. Especially when you felt afraid and alone. Thank you for finally leaving the marriage, the relationships and the job that were all sucking the life out of you. Thank you for getting back up after every time you were knocked down. Thank you for going to therapy. Thank you for pushing yourself to grow, for challenging yourself while everything was still so hard. Thank you for healing and breaking the generations of abuse, addiction and poverty. Thank you for getting us this far.

To the woman that I was, I’m proud of you. I’m proud of you for refusing to settle. I’m proud of you for meeting every challenge, every heartbreak, every detour – head on. I’m proud of you for never backing down and going toe to toe with all your fears. Even at your lowest, you were still the warrior that held everything together and made it through every battle. I’m proud of you for getting out but more so that you didn’t let it make you bitter and angry. I’m proud of you for choosing joy and learning to love whole heartedly again.  I’m proud of you for choosing yourself and going after the life you envision. I’m proud of you for taking the risks and starting over.

To the woman that I was, I love you. I love your strength. I love how resilient you are. I love that you never lost your sense of wonder, never lost site of what really mattered. I love that you made the best of everything. I love your body, the body that you allowed to be shamed all those years. I love your darkness and the duality of all that you are. I love all the parts of you that you tried to hide. But most of all I love that you withstood all the odds to get here, to get to this threshold. I how deeply you love in spite of everything that happened.

 If only I could hold you like you needed back then, to wrap my arms around you and let you know that you make it.  I wish I could go back to all those nights you cried yourself to sleep and tell you how good it gets. I would hold your face in my hands and tell you that the kids don’t hate you for leaving; in fact, there is laugher and shenanigans every day now. I would hold your hand as I let you know that you don’t miss anything from your old life. Not a day goes by that you have any regrets. You never feel lonely or unloved now. You feel safe for the first time in your life and your confidence has never been louder. And all of that is because of you. You really are a force to be reckoned with.

This is where our story changes. Not because everything is suddenly perfect, but because we finally understand that we don’t have to spend the rest of our lives surviving what we already survived.

You fought for this life. You sacrificed for this life. You dreamed of this life.

So, rest now, beautiful girl. You don’t have to fight anymore. I’ve got it from here.